


coaster.

by seokga



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, He deserves so much better, M/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up, Swearing, hes not, im going to hell for this, jungwoo thought he was coping, please i love jungwoo, takes place during take off promotions and the origin tour, this is literally just a mess of me trying to figure out whether lukun or luwoo is superior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-10-01 16:04:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20330248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokga/pseuds/seokga
Summary: jungwoo hated this. he hated the way his chest ached at the slightest movement, the way he constantly sat on the edge of his seat- ready to run away at a moment's notice. he hated the way his fingers went numb, the way he instinctively pulled his knees to his chest, the way tears he couldn't stop falling would sting the corners of his eyes.





	coaster.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by khalids, coaster  
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAs7H_OoCeM)

jungwoo hated this. he hated the way his chest ached at the slightest movement, the way he constantly sat on the edge of his seat- ready to run away at a moment's notice. he hated the way his fingers went numb, the way he instinctively pulled his knees to his chest, the way tears he couldn't stop falling would sting the corners of his eyes.

lately though, that feeling had been as familiar as any.

jungwoo had always felt that he'd been coping. he thought about lucas sometimes but these thoughts were easy to block out- his head cleared simply by a song or a conversation about nothing in particular with no-one specific.

it was in america that jungwoo realised; _he_ _wasn't fucking coping_.

he was never alone- always surrounded by bodyguards or managers or members but he'd never felt more lonely. nights where he lay shivering in his bed- even if it weren't the slightest bit cold- were the nights he remembered lucas.

he remembered the way lucas used to hold him. he would hold him so gently, arms always pulling the blonde closer to his chest, enveloping him in a warmth so comforting, it would consume every single one of his anxieties.

he remembered the way lucas would softly kiss his hair, all while whispering sweet nothings that he never thought he'd paid much attention to.

but here he was, remembering every word his boyfriend had ever said to him. all the giggly 'i love you's, all the whispered 'ill never leave you's.

jungwoo had always felt so safe in lucas's arms but now they weren't here and he was consumed by a fear he didnt understand.

it wasn't just when he was alone though. his memories of the younger plagued him constantly.

mark laughed too loudly? oh, how jungwoo missed yukheis laugh. doyoung patted his thigh absently? lucas used to be able to spread his fingers across the skin of jungwoos legs so effortlessly. johnny started speaking to him in english, forgetting he couldn't understand? lucas did that all the time.

when that happened, jungwoo didn't even tell him to stop. he just stared and admired the way yukhei talked. his big, happy eyes- his always full smiles, his tender gazes and the sweet curl of his lips as they formed words the older didn't care for the meaning of.

he used to trace patterns on lucas's skin- on his arms, his hands, his cheeks, his lips. poorly structured 'saranghaes' and outlines of wobbly hearts would burn trails in lucas's skin and he would sigh as he existed in those moments- living just for the proximity of his boyfriends undivided attention.

but he wasn't here now. he wouldn't wrap jungwoo in his arms and whisper how much he loves him. he wouldn't start rambling in a language his hyung didn't understand. he wouldn't savour the feeling of jungwoos fingertips against his too warm skin.

in the dark, jungwoos phone screen lit up, illuminating the cracks in his hotel ceiling before he mustered up the energy to reach for it.

@WayV_official has just made a post

jungwoo swallowed hard as he hovered the camera over his face, wishing he never had when his plain moon lockscreen turned into the pretty, grinning faces of lucas and kun.

he knew what it meant the second he saw the photos. there was nothing in them that hinted at there being anything more than a platonic bond between the two but jungwoo saw it so clearly.

he could see it in the way lucas's eyes settled on kun in the second photo, in the way his body was angled just slightly- the way it always was when he and Lucas used to wind their legs together.

it was 2am and jungwoo was exhausted. he wanted nothing more than to bury himself in these foreign sheets and empty his head for a few hours but he didn't know how. without lucas's breath fanning across his forehead? without lucas's hands planted securely on his back? without his once lovers weight keeping him tethered to the bed- how was he ever supposed to close his eyes again?

with trembling fingers, he found himself calling ten- something he hadn't done in weeks.

"jungw-"

"they're together aren't they?"

jungwoo had planned to try and talk to the older for a while first- to distract himself from the questions he had to ask but his brain wouldn't wait.

"who-" he heard the Thai boy begin, voice rising abruptly before he sighed and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'fuck it'. more English words jungwoo didn't understand.

"yeah" ten spoke, "they are"

"ok" jungwoo whispered, furiously blinking back the fresh wave of tears that threatened to spill.

Not trusting himself to say any more without the whimpers he felt building up escaping his lips, jungwoo hung up.

ten didnt call back and the blonde was grateful.

Lucas had kun now, he didn't need jungwoo anymore. god, he hadn't needed jungwoo for months. in moments like these, jungwoo wondered whether Lucas had ever really needed him to begin with.

he wasn't mad at kun, he never could be. kun was the most beautiful and kind person and so so easy to fall in love with. easier than jungwoo, probably.

jungwoo sighed as he felt the first drop trickle down his cheek. and oh, here it comes.

suddenly he was sobbing, clutching desperately at the sheets below him as he struggled for air.

_stop it, he's not here. he doesn't cry over you. he's happy now. you should be too._

but still, with his hands shaking harder than his voice when he'd first auditioned, he reached for his phone.

he didn't know what he was doing til he'd done it and lucas's honey voice leaked through the speaker.

"woo?"

he'd always loved the taste of honey but now, hearing it so thick in his boyfriends- _no, not his boyfriends_\- voice left him feeling sick and dizzy and so, so stuck.

"lu-" he was cut off by one of his own choked sobs and he didn't even have the energy to stop it.

"fuck, jungwoo" Lucas cursed, clearly panicked and moving- probably somewhere quieter where he could listen to the blonde fall apart in private, "what- whats wrong?"

"I-" the tears still ran heavy down his cheeks and his heart felt so heavy in his chest. he couldn't move if he tried. for a moment, he considered just hanging up. why had he even called yukhei in the first place? clearly, his voice had other plans.

"I- I miss you" words punctuated by whimpers, fuck, he sounded so pathetic.

"you miss me?" lucas breathed, clearly shocked.

"I fucking miss you" jungwoo said again, a little clearer this time as the air began to return to his lungs, "I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your smile, I miss you so goddamn much and I don't know what to do" he was choked up, his voice a mess of strangled gasps and hopeless whines, "I miss the way you hold me, the way you kiss my lips, the way you talk me to sleep, the way-"

"jungwoo stop it"

he did, instantly, but he still clung desperately to his pillow, holding his breath to fight the hiccups that accompanied his tears.

"just stop, please" lucas sounded exhausted and of course he was, he was in the middle of promotions for fucks sakes. jungwoo was so selfish. "we're not together anymore. I'm not there"

they were words jungwoo told himself every second of every hour but they hit different when said from lucas himself and the older boy felt himself shatter. not just his heart but his whole body- his whole everything was cracking and breaking under the sound of the love of his lifes ragged breathing.

"I-" _fucking get it together jungwoo_, "I know"

"What time is it there" lucas asked, the concern clear in his voice.

"Ea-early" jungwoo whimpered, heart pounding as he tried desperately to focus on sonething- anything else.

"jungwoo, listen, here's what I'm gonna do" the speaker was further from lucas's mouth, which meant it was no longer beside his ear. perhaps he was on his phone- answering a text that was a million times more important, "I'm gonna call jae-"

"lucas?"

jungwoo really stopped breathing this time. that was unmistakably kun. far away and faint but with a voice as pretty as the chinese boys was, it could never be misheard.

he pictured them in that moment. lucas sitting at a kitchen table, doing his best to calm a boy he no longer knew how to.

and then he saw kun, emerging from the doorway in his silk dressing gown, eyes unfocused and hair messy from sleeping in on one of their rare days of late schedules.

it sent a pang through his chest. they were perfect together. so, so perfect.

lucas began to say something again- whether it was in answer to him or kun, jungwoo didn't know- but he hung up without letting him finish. if he listened to lucas's voice a second longer, he really would break.

he lay on his back, phone discarded somewhere as he stared at the ceiling of his unfamiliar hotel room. his head was clouded but two sentances rang clear, _'we're not together anymore. I'm not there.'_

jungwoo felt sick yet again, this was all his fault. he'd brought every single second of this agony upon himself when he told lucas that he needed space those three months ago.

for the first month, lucas wouldnt let go. he kept pushing, kept begging, kept being there for jungwoo no matter what. but as the tour got closer and lucas's debut in wayv was no more than a few weeks away, he stopped.

jungwoo was doing okay.  
so what the fuck happened?

but here he was now, trying to sleep through yet another night without yukhei. hands trembling, breathing shallow and lips tasting of salt as he fell apart over and over again.

**Author's Note:**

> i just really miss jungwoo okay and the only way for me to cope is to put him through pain. i dont know what that means, please dont @ me. i love woo :(((


End file.
